I understand how you feel, do you really do?

I guess you might have seen the previous post. Although I said a million times of I don't care about you anymore, as a matter of fact, I still do care. I still can't let go a friend, it's hard after all. But what is done can't be undone. Friendship ruined? Friendship even better than before? I am uncertain.

Let's talk about something else. A few days ago, our Psychology in Negotiation and Conflict Management lecturer told us a story about how the words "I understand how you feel" could get things more sophisticated  instead of solving the problems. Although I wanted to share the story the lecturer shared, I have to forgo the out of respect for privacy of the parties involved.

Well, we all including myself really love to use "I totally understand how you feel", or "I feel you" etc. In fact, we did not understand how they feel at all. We did not know what is going on around the people. They may lose their love one the night before, hurt, heart broken, depress, we might not know.

Thus they turned to us for comfort. In order to comfort them, we would say "I understand how you feel, I can understand, I feel you". In fact, we did not understand them more than they do.

Some may get offended while some may feel better. But most of the time, the conversation ended shortly after we said "I feel you".

Why? The conversation stopped because the other party think that we don't totally understand how they feel at all, thus coming to a conclusion that no point continuing the chat since we did not understand their feel.

Don't you find it, true? I too came to a realization that I often use these words. And now that I think about it, I said the words just to comfort them, but, did not feel their pain. Come to think of it, I used those words for granted, and, I felt guilty, real full of guilt after what the lecturer shared the story about "I understand how you feel".

Instead of saying how you feel them, why not give them a good, tight hug that give them the comfort that they need? Or lending them a shoulder to cry on, or rephrasing the words properly so that you don't "understand their feel" but know how they feel, try to be in their shoes for a moment, share their burden, feel how they feel. Thus yours truly believe that it doing so, it will lead to even better conversation with them, make them feel better.

For now, I dare not use the words, "I understand how you feel" anymore.